DAME!

A Non-Singing Musical Based on ≥Dame Sirith≤

∑ Wilekin ≠ a Lovelorn Clerk

∑ Buttercup ≠ His Sister

∑ Margery ≠ a Good Wife/Object of Wilekinπs Affections

∑ Dame Sirith ≠ a Wise Woman

∑ The Dog

A Small Town in England

Enter Wilekin and Buttercup; W carrying love letters etc.

B: Wilekin my brother,

I have heard it said

that you have loved a lady fair ≠

a lady fair whoπs wed!

W: I have loved her long and true ≠

though she has scorned my love;

if I could get my message through

weπd be like turtle doves.

B: Wilekin little brother

You err to love a wife!

Surely shame and sorrow

will complicate your lifeä

W: Sister dear, the signs are clear!

All impediments swept away!

Important news has come to me ≠

her husbandπs gone away!

B: [sighs] ≥What deyntee sholde a man han in his lyf

For to go love another mannes wyf?≤

W: Buttercup! Donπt quote that old poet to meã

He knew nothing of the dance!

Wish me luck!

[He goes to Margeryπs house; she is cleaning with a bucket]

Madam Margery if I may,

Wish you a splendid and bountiful day!

And if you can see it in your heart to grant

me a boon that is most important

Iπll praise ye to heaven above!

M: By our Lord, the heavenly king,

If I may do anything

For you my dear

You shall find me fully free

Blithely will I do for thee,

Make your wishes clear!

W: [aside] Thatπs music to my ear!

Lady, may god reward you

and hastily make real

the love that lives between us both

and repay it with due zeal!

[tries to grab her hand and kiss it]

M: Nay, indeed, oh Wilekin,

what foolish games you play,

for surely you have heard the news,

my husbandπs gone away!

But dare not raise your wanton hopes;

Iπll show you to the door!

Iπm a faithful wife and true

and shall not play the whore ≠
W: Perhaps a song! [gets on his knees with ukulele? harp?]

≥Iπm called little Wilekin, dear little Wilekin

though I could never tell why ≠

Still, call me Wilekin, sweet little Wilekin

Come, to your Wilekin fly!

M: No more, no more, away away, thatπs where you should fly,

And not to cause such troubles for a virtuous wife like I.

I have my lord who is my spouse

As a maiden brought me to this house

with honor you should know;

He loveth me and I him well

Our love is true as any bell

and our love is without woe.

W: Lady Lady turn your mind,

and your courtesy ≠ become mine!

M: Refrain, audacious cur, your suit from pressing!

Remember what you are, and whom addressing!

W: Proud lady, please give way! Unfeeling beauty ≠

You speak and I obey, it is my duty!

M: I am a wife both good and true

a truer one you never knew ≠

Such a thing shall never betide;

You woo me only through your pride!

Get thee hence, you Wilekin

Get out ≠ I wonπt tell you again. [She turns back to her task]

W: Hmmm. Perhaps another song:

≥A wandπring minstrel I, a thing of shreds and patchesä≤

[M dumps bucket on his head]

She does not love me!

[Hangs his head goes back to B]

Buttercup! Iπm in despair!

Thereπs no more beauty anywhere!

Margery has scorned my love

I give myself to the lord above:

I die upon the blade ≠

[Holds it aloft, glances at B, coughs]

I said, åI die upon the blade.π

B: [Feigning ≥Wonka≤ interest]Stop, donπt, halt, you mustnπt.

W: You could at least sound concerned.

B: Wilekin, for shame you work

to love a wife, youπre such a jerk!

W: But sister, sheπs my only dream

I know how odd that it may seem

but I cannot rest for love of she

who warms my heart so merrily

But if she wonπt return my wooing

I canπt say what Iπll be doing

for madness overtakes my brain

Iπll go bonkers! Iπll go insane!

B: Well, if youπre going to be such a pain --

I know a lady who lives down the lane

Wise and hende and ever so smart,

Sheπll know the way to Margeryπs heart.

Dame Sirith is her name,

Magic mischief is her game!

But pray you ask her courteously

Or sheπll turn you into a tree!

W: A tree!

B: Iπve seen it done.

W: Ah, well, ahem, I suppose though, that she is my only hopeä

B: Last house on the left ≠ but donπt say I didnπt warn you!

[He goes to Dame Sirithπs house; she is wearing a large cross/rosary and talking to her dog, who is amusing himself in dog-like fashion]

S: äso of course it killed him, and I didnπt have to give him

back a penny! [they laugh]

W: Pardon me, oh lovely lady, a word might I have with --

Are you she, whom people here know as Dame Sirith?

S: You betcha, laddy mine, what can I do for you?

If itπs in my power ≠ for a price ≠ I always can come through.

W: Oh Dame, for shame! I have a love

I love her more than the heavens above

Iπve sworn my love for many a day

but all she will say to me is ≥Nay!≤

Have you crafts and potions strong

To turn her love from right to wrong?

[Thinks about that] I mean wrong to right!

S: Good lord, for his sweetest name

Why do you accuse me of such shame!

For I am old and sick and lame ≠

Such sickness has left me quite tame!

Though in my youth I cooked with herbs

I cast some spells, I played with words ≠

Iπm a holy woman and devout

I know no witchcraft, fie you lout!

I say my paternoster and my creed

that god may help at my hour of need

and help me my life to lead

so at the end I might speed

to his eternal embrace.

W: What! No love potion!?!

S: I am a poor woman, I beseech my god

to soften the path on which I trod ≠

W: Fie on this! Hereπs no respite

for the love I love and must requite ≠

[gets an idea]

I see that I have been mistaken

Youπre a simple woman, cooking and baking,

washing and darning socks and clothes

-- you could never help me with my woes.

Perhaps if I take this bag of gold [jingles a bag of gold]

to someone wise, someone old

who knows the ways of the wicked world

and whose tongue for me might be unfurled ≠

S: Now donπt be hasty, Wilekin --

Helping you wonπt be a sin.

You say youπre sweet on Margery

Iπll help you for a modest fee ≠

W: [Holding out the cash] Say, twenty shillings?

S: Done! [Bites a coin]

Now, I have hatched a little scheme

To bring you closer to your dream.

You stay here ≠ compose your poems --

Iπll pay a visit to Miss Margeryπs home

With my little dog to touch her heart

Sheπll be won before we start ≠

A truthful lie will bring her åround

if ever such a story can be foundä

Hmmm [thinks ≠ snaps fingers] Thatπs the one to do the trick!

Spot, my dog, come here quick.

[She puts him in a headlock and force-feeds him ≥mustard≤ while dog cries and whines]

W: Dame Sirith, have you lost your mind?

To your little dog be so unkind?

S: Be still, boinard! Donπt question me!

Youπll get your gal, just trust and see.

W: [Sad] She called me åboinardπ! [Sits reluctantly]

[Sirith and Dog go to Margeryπs where she is still pottering about. Dame sobs into her hanky, dog snuffles and cries]

S: [To no one in particular] Oh Lord, such woe is to wives

That in poverty lead their lives!

[Margery pointedly tries to ignore this]

No, no one has so much of threat

As the poor wife whose fallen into debt.

Why, any who knew my tale of woe

Would profit by knowing they are not soã

M: [Resigned to the interruption]

Look, my dear, would it give you cheer

A loaf of bread to eat?

Some butter too or jam or gruel

or some other tasty treat?

S: Oh dead would I be full fain

Hunger and thirst have me nearly slainä

M: Oh, perhaps a flagon of mead

is just what you need.

S: Now youπre talking!

[sits herself down, dog crying beside her, M pours etc.]

[between bites] Ah such a tale of woe I have

Tπwill make you cry, tπwill make you sad,

Youπll rue the day the world was made

and youπll think yourself a lucky maidä

M: [Taking the hint] Perhaps it would lighten your heart a bit

to relate these woes while we sitã

S: Iπm glad you asked! God be praised!

So few girls are like you, well-raised

to treat an old woman like me with care

why such courtesyπs not seen everywhere.

M: Pardon me for asking, but I cannot help

Is there something wrong with your whelp?

S: [Dramatically] Oh Lord above, oh heavenly father

Such a tragedy! Oh ≠ but I donπt want to botherã

M: [Curious now] Oh no trouble, no trouble at all.

S: Youπre sure?

M: Oh really I was doing nothing at all.

S: Well, if youπre sureã

M: No bother, please.

S: [Drama again] Alas, alas, that I ever lived

For all the sun I would forgive

That man that smite my favourite one

I would wish my life from me undone!

M: Heavens! What can be this trouble

Tell me more, on the double!

S: [Dabbing at her eyes]

I had a daughter fair and free

A fairer one might no man seeã

[taking out photo] hereπs her pictureã

M: Sheπs [big pause] fair.

S: She had a husband of such courtesy

A freer man might no one see

And my daughter loved him all too well

Thus have I a sad tale to tell.

He was on an errand out of town

And a curious clerk came around

From my daughter to bid her love

But she refused by the heavens above!

The clerk he wheedled and pleaded with her

But to her the course was crystal clear;

She swore to never be untrue

-- you would understand, wouldnπt you?

[M looks uncomfortable]

Then this clerk he began to witch

And turned my daughter into a bitch!

This [pointing to weeping dog] is my daughter of whom I speak

whose fate has made my heart quite meek!

[M shocked and amazedãand getting worried]

Look how much her eyes excrete!

Look how tears on her cheeks meet!

Forsooth, milady, it is no wonder

such tragedy bursts my heart asunder.

[Shaking her fist to the heavens]

O woe is ever to any young wife

who cares too little for her own life

and any clerk who her love implores

Let her grant him it all the more!

M: O beloved Christ! What shall I do!

Why this very day, Iπll tell to you,

A clerk came by and begged my love

I gave him and his songs a shove

and sent him rueful on his wayã

S: God almighty, be your help today!

My dear it could be only hours

you have left to live in human powers

for surely your disgruntled clerk

has gone off to start some magic work!

M: O what is to become of me!

S: I advise you that you grant his boon

And become his lover very soon!

M: Oh lady evermore will I be your friend

If you fetch Wilekin back again

ãheπs the one of which I toldã

Iπll give you gifts, Iπll give you gold!

S: I shall wander every street in town

Iπll travel up and saunter down

Until I find your Wilekin

And bring him safe to you again!

[S and Dog go back to fetch W]

Sweet Wilekin, be without dread!

For your suit I have so well sped

Your lady has sent after thee

So shake a leg and come with me!

W: A blessing! A blessing from my lady!

God be praised!

S: What am I? Chopped liver?

W: Oh thank you Dame Sirith! I owe you my life!

[W tries to kiss her hand but she is not keen, Dog tries to bite his leg]

S: Twenty shillings will do, all right!

[They go to M who is waiting impatiently]

Lady I have your Wilekin sought

And now I have your Wilekin broughtã

M: [Embracing him, whileãat firstãhe flinches]

Welcome Wilekin, you sweet thing

You are more welcome than the king!

W: Th-th-th-thank you, oh lovely Margery!

M: Dame Sirith has my mind turnπd round

by relating the sad tale of her hound.

Gladly will I be your love

and thankful to the stars above

that clerks like you can be so kind

and let no trouble vex your mindã

for I should be most ill distraught

if such evil magic would be wrought.

W: Magic? [Looks to S]

S: [Winks and taps her nose] Never you mind;

Just go off and enjoy yourselves.

[They do, singing, while S has her final monologue]

W&M: Oh joy oh rapture unforseen

the clouded sky is now serene,

the god of day, the orb of love

has hung his ensign high above,

the sky is all ablazeä

S: If ever you have troubles

And want a helping hand

Dame Sirith is the finest

of åworkersπ in the land!

If you need a love potion

Or a voodoo doll with pins

For a price ≠ once or twiceã

Iπve been known to sin.

[Pauseãto the Dog, clanking her coins speculatively]

Whattaya say we go get some mead, fella?

[Dog barks assent and they go]

ãFinã