Æthelred the Ill-Advisèd:
or How the English Became Danish Before Breakfast
CHARACTERS:
Æthelred
Swein the Dane
Godwine the Evil
Wulfhere
Leofric
Leofwine
Preamble (to audience)
G: What a glorious year nine-seventy-nine, Æthelred crowned king!
Succeeding his brother Edward who rose on angelsí wings.
But lo! what omens portendóa cloud as red as blood
Hung over the town at midnight and threatened us with flood.
Now ten years on, the fates conspire to bring our country down
The Danes await, the people hateóand Æthelred plays the clown.
[joins others at tableógeneral hubbub (watermelon, cantaloupe)]
A: [pointing to map on table] So weíll put the stadium here!
All: [groan and whinge loudly]
A: Come, come! What objection could you have to my plan?
W: Itís too big!
LR: Itís too expensive!
LW: Youíre building it on sand!
A: Pish posh! You gentlemen must be of peasant stock
Every Englishman to sport should take, like a proud peacock.
The rally to the hunt! The call of the wild!
Yet each of you sits grumbling like a badly spoiled child.
W: Itís not that weíre ungratefuló
LR: Itís not that youíre unfitó
LW: Itís just that we think your ridiculous plan is full ofó
[The three confer, arguing over the next word]
dubious thinking.
A: [truly shocked] Dubious thinking!?
All: We do.
G: I donít. [They all stare at him in surprise]
Genius seldom raises its head among the common herd
It sits quietly in its own little room, never saying a word
But here before us today, we see a far-sighted king
Who proposes a sporting stadiumóa most ingenious thing!
What matter if its foundation is built on shifting sands?
It will hold sturdily enough with thousands in the stands!
And as for the smell from that wretched bog
That makes your eyes shed tearsó
Weíll sell garleek pies and skunk-meat buns
And voluminous vats of beer!
A: The manís a genius! [throws money at him which G stuffs in his pockets; others look petulantly envious] Godwine, you the man!
G: No! You the man!
A: No! You the man!
G: I beg to differóYOU the man!
W: Ahem, your majesty, if you please, there are pressing deals at hand;
While you fiddle with sporting games, Danes oíertake this land!
With fiendish plots and pointy spears they raise their halberds high,
Weíre losing ground in all our towns and no one knows quite why.
Our troops are brave, our men our strong, our women bake nice cakes!
But the Danes are taking over every mountain, fen and lake!
LR: Theyíve taken over York!
LW: Theyíve taken over Worcester!
LR: Theyíve decimated Maldon townó
LW: They kidnapped your sister!
G: [aside, comfortingly] She was a drain on the treasury anyway, mílord.
W: Even as we speak, the Danish leader proud
Rides into Hartford Central and laughs at youóout loud!
A: Laughs at me? Laughs at me! Thatís very different!
[All look pleased at last with this]
I can overlook a curse, I can disregard a jibe,
I can wave away cruel taunting and pooh pooh something snide;
But the man who laughs at this King had better get awayó
For I will punish such a scoundrel in a most EGREGIOUS way.
Iíll box his ears, Iíll slap his cheeks, Iíll thump him on the head,
Iíll spank him with big willow sticksóheíll wish that he were dead!
Iíll give him such a dreadful pinch heíll cry out with alarm,
Iíll tread upon his tiny toes and "Indian-Burn" his arm!
[Enter Swein the Dane]
G: The Danes are here, mílord!
A: Good heavens! Oh dear me! [Tries to hide behind the others who do likewise]
S: Ho, ho!
We Danes are here to take your land
And fill our Danish coffers!
Give up your gold without a fightó
Youíll get no second offer!
G: [looking around S] WE Danes?
S: [drawing himself up] They couldnít find parking.
G: I see.
S: Anlaf is rowing around the block one more time, he thought he saw someone getting ready to leave.
G: You should have remembered the old rhyme:
All: "In Hereford, Hampshire and Hartford, parking hardly ever happens."
S: [Suspiciously] That doesnít rhyme.
G: Itís very old. We believe it to have rhymed once.
A: [Gathering his courage at last] So, you come for war?!
S: I do! Surrender now and I will let you live!
A: Never! Never!
S: You donít want to live?
A: Hush your foul Danish impertinence!
[Tries to rally the others round him, but they cower pathetically]
Weíll give you such a thrashing, our faces will turn blue,
Weíll hunt you up and down the lanes and when the chase is through,
Weíll cut you up and fry your ears and masticate your hair,
Weíll run you through with pointed sticks and feed you to the bears!
S: Brave words!
G: Hasty words! [coming over to S and putting a chummy arm around him] Perhaps we could make a deal?
S: [regarding him icily] And who are you?
G: They call me [pause] Godwine the Evil.
S: Why do they call you that?
G: I have no idea [pause]. My goodness, look at that remarkable bird! [while S looks away, G picks his pocket of a bag of gold coins].
S: I see nothing.
G: [aside] I know. Well, gentlemen, letís settle this likeÖgentlemen.
A: What do you propose?
G: A duelóto the death! [All gasp]
A: To the death? [gulp]
S: To the death? [gulp]
A: [Emboldened by his foeís fear] Well, of course, nothing wrong with that!
S: [Likewise] Iíd kill him as soon as take off my hat!
G: And just to make things a little more exciting,
Weíll wager all the kingdom and our gold upon the fighting.
A: Do we have to give him the stadium plans too?
G: Iím afraid so, mílord.
A: Damn!
S: Stand and deliver, you cowardly English king!
A: Beware my ireó [pauses to think] you Copenhagen ring-a-ding-ding!
[All the advisors give him thumbs up on that one]
G: To arms, gentlemen. I shall referee. En guard!
[They set to, scurrying around haphazardly and somewhat half-heartedly until finally A gets a slight hit, perhaps by accident]
A: Ha! A hit!
S: Never!
A: What say you, judge?
G: A hit, a very palpable hit!
[They fight on, finally after some more scuffling, S gets a strike on A]
S: Ha, ha! I quit you, sir!
A: A touch, a touch, I do confess it.
[They fight on with increasing lackluster, until at last G decides to interfere, tripping S who falls]
G: Now, your majesty! Kill him, kill him!
All: Yes, yes, kill the Danske scum! Kill him!
S: O! Foul treachery! Iíve come undone! [cowers before the expected blow]
G: I know that much is true!
A: [Outraged] I shall not kill him! For I am an English manóbehold me!
All: He is an Englishman!
A: For I myself have said it, and itís greatly to my credit,
That I am an Englishman, That I am an Englishman!
And in spite of all temptation, to take advantage of your nation,
I remain an Englishman!
All: He is an Englishman! He is an Englishman!
G: Soócheating is out?
A: And so are you! [stabs him]
G: Alas, I am dead!
S: And no talking to the audience!
A: Come, Swein, I know our countries are at war, but perhaps we can work out some kind of joint venture in my new sports stadiumó
S: Have you considered using our new Bog Reclamation Systems? Weíve had really good luck with even the stickiest bogs [they blather on, pointing at the map, ooing and ahing]
W: [gesturing to G who still writhes on the floor]
This is the consequence of ill-advised asperity!
[turning to audience] Go, get thee hence to your food with all celerity.
For when common ribalds begin their precious screeching
You good people should for wine and beer be reaching!
GOOD NIGHT!