SIR GAWAIN AND THE BLACK KNIGHT

by J.R.R.R.R.R.I.P. Tolkien (AKA K. A. Laity)

Gawain Skywalker Gringolet, His Horse

C. Darth Vader/Sir Bertilak The Lady Leia, His Wife

Morgan Le Fey/Loki King Arthur

Guineviere Yvain

Agravain Lancelot

Bedevere Voice of Obi-Wan

Guineviere: When fair Britain was founded by this lord,

Bold men rejoiced at bed and board,

No more would troubles darken the land,

When fate is steered by this noble man!

King Arthur: Guineviere, my lady fair

No lady with you can compare

And dare I repeat that all around

No knights equal those of the Table Round!

[All hurrah -- in the following each knight stands as he's intro'd]

No match have these knights of mine!

Why, Lancelot was quite a find --

And Gawain too, dear cousin fair

Has proved his worth most everywhere!

Guineviere: Good Bedevere knows all the ways

of curious lores and methods quaint;

And friends Yvain and Agravain --

Your worthiness [beat] is so very plain!

King Arthur: Yes, there have been grievous changes

Adaptations come; court rearranges --

Certain, we've had to sacrifice,

The table top for a worthy price --

[holds up dog]

But the fabulous object got in trade,

Has our fame quite certain made --

Yvain: Lovely lord and lady most fair;

Make merry mirth without care.

Lancelot: More jousting out upon the green,

Such gaiety as we've never seen!

Agravain: [Already drunk]

Let's feast and drink for weeks on end

And wench and dance and sing and jape and carouse and tourney and --

King Arthur: Easy, Agravain, my friend....

Bedevere: Let's raise a glass to the bright Yuletide,

To our King, to his lady at his side --

Gawain: We've kept her safe in this fair place;

No displeasure has left a sullied trace

And no malevolence has dismayed her --

Especially that evil dark knight Vader!

[They all start as Darth Vader enters suddenly]

Darth Vader: That's C. DARTH VADER, you timid fool!

I've come to interrupt your Yule

For I've heard the fate of your Round Table --

Is it truth? or is it fable? --

It's been sold for yuletide logs

To purchase this brass Husky dog?!

[Knights look sheepish]

King Arthur: I think I can explain the matter here,

Why, inspiration and all good cheer!

Guineviere: This Husky dog has untold worth,

No finer treasure is on earth!

Lancelot: We're the greatest under the sun!

Yvain: Sir Hartley said we're NUMBER ONE!

Darth Vader: Fie on the King who buys such a hound,

While Camelot Library is falling down!

Your example is false, your standard a joke

With this shall the Table Round be broke --

Gawain: Sirrah! Though you have a gloomy mien

And your presence here's quite unforseen,

I tell you true our spirits are proud

When we shout our Husky cheer aloud --

All: U-C-O-N-N! U-C-O-N-N! [With appropriate hand-motions (see me);

Darth Vader covers his ears]

Darth Vader: Enough with your idle, freshman chatter

I've come on a more important matter --

I bring you shocking, fateful news:

A challenge -- one you can't refuse!

King Arthur: Some gay jest?

Guineviere: Some hearty game?

Agravain: A little fun?

Bedevere: Do tell the name!

Darth Vader: [brandishing axe/lsaber?] Simple, yes, even for you --

I'll tell you what you have to do:

Use this axe to chop off my hand --

Easy enough to follow that command!

BUT! when a year has passed away

One of you bright flowers of May

Must come to me in my distant land

To offer the price of his own Hand!

[They murmur in dismay -- "definately, definately bad..."]

King Arthur: Oh, hm, well, quite a long time is a year --

So -- who'd like to volunteer?

[They all blanch -]

Agravain: I must at once to Northumberland go --

Lancelot: I would; if only it weren't for the snow --

Yvain: I'm afraid I have a pressing appointment --

Bedevere: I, um yeah, I've got to apply some ointment! [he does]

Guineviere: Is there not one man among you all

Who dares to face this evil thrall!

Gawain: [Leaping up] Let me be the one to settle his hash.

This challenge of yours has been quite rash!

I, Gawain, shall discharge your hand --

Why, my praises will be sung throughout the land!

And in a year, I'll offer you mine --

[Aside] A year -- that's such an awfully long time!

Darth Vader: [Laying his hand on the table (?)] Here's my hand and here's my axe -

It's sharp enough for shaving yaks!

[Gawain takes the offered axe, holds it aloft, pauses, then chops the hand off. All gasp. Darth Vader picks up the hand and retrieves the axe.]

Ho ho! It's done and well done, sir!

I'll see you in about a year -- SUCKER! [Exits]

King Arthur: Brave Gawain, we'll keep your chair for you

And tell of the intrepid things you do --

Guineviere: And if perhaps you should somehow fail

I will cover your chair with a black veil

And sing a long and dirgelike verse --

After all it could be worse...

[All nod agreement]

Gawain: Well, since I've only got a year

I better get together all my gear

And saddle gallant Gringolet --

Good-bye, good cheer, au revoir, well met...

[He jumps sadly off stage; Yvain and Lancelot immediately fight over his chair, one of whom runs off with it, remainder exeunt while Gawain and Gringolet speak --]

Gringolet, my doughty steed --

have we all that we might need?

Gringolet: [Looking through bag] Your sword, your helm, your shield fair,

Your Book, your pen, your teddy bear...

Gawain: Uh hm [coughs]; then let us ride, the trip is long

Perhaps it will help to sing a song [sing lally lally nonsense]

Gringolet: [Aside -- banging coconuts] Long indeed that fateful trip

With such a fool upon my hips!

We ran through forests, bleak and rough

And of wild animals saw quite enough!

[Animals are thrown at them]

A bear! A tiger! A dragon fierce --

Gawain: With my sword I shall them pierce!! [Does so]

Gringolet: Till at last Yuletide had rolled around,

To find ourselves on unknown ground.

Gawain: Well, Gringolet, I confess I'm lost!

Such despair! Such shame! Such cost!

Darth Vader: [Disguised with a moustache -- when he speaks, Gawain & Gringolet jump.

Leia & Morgan (latter wearing hood) go up on stage while he speaks]

Fear not, intrepid knight, take cheer

You are not lost -- why you're right here!

Gawain: Gad, sir, you unease m-m-m-my horse!

Gringolet: Can you help us back onto our course?

Darth Vader: I'll do more than that, you bet your life.

Come! Sup with me and meet my wife!

Gawain: You are most kind, I must declare --

Say, haven't we met, perhaps? Somewhere?

Darth Vader: Alas, I fear you are mistaken --

Come let's follow the road less taken. [They go up on stage]

Leia! Morgan! Get out the mead!

A guest! A guest! Just what we need.

Gawain: Well, I suppose a rest will do no harm --

I can see these ladies have great charm.

[Gringolet rolls his eyes, sits on edge of stage]

Darth Vader: I know, kind sir, you have a quest --

On the third day, I'll lead you west.

But meanwhile, enjoy our company,

pray meet Leia, dear wife to me. [he bows]

Gawain: [Turns to Morgan] And you, fair one, Morgan must be --

Morgan: [Throws off hood to reveal Loki cap] I'm Loki, I'm Loki....

[while throwing confetti and running off stage; pauses at exit]

I want to be a dentist! [exits -- all shake heads, recover]

Leia: Did you come all the way from Camelot?

Gawain: Ah, but I wish almost that I had not!

But a knight's word must be good as his deed --

Gringolet: [Aside] In this case neither will succeed!

Darth Vader: I have an idea! Let's have a game --

Gawain: Uh, I'd rather not if it's all the same --

Darth Vader: Here's what we'll do, oh gallant knight

You stay here in the castle, all right?

While I hunt outside in the forest gloom

You'll hunt for treasure in every room.

My bounty to you I will present --

You'll do the same -- such merriment!

[Gawain smiles weakly]

Leia: Quickly, Bertilak, depart!

Catch a tiger, swine or hart! [Darth Vader leaves]

Oh Gawain! Fair and dauntless knight,

How's about a little kiss tonight?!

[She chases him around the stage]

Gawain: Oh dainty maid, oh blushing bride!

I could not your good name deride!

[She corners him]

But if a kiss would make you happy

Plant one on this fearless chappy [gingerly hold out cheek]

Leia: [Noisily kisses him] Such bliss! Why not further encroach --

Gringolet: [Clears throat] Because your husband doth approach!

Darth Vader: What ho! What ho! Look what I've caught! [holds up animal]

What sweet treasures have you bought?

Gawain: Only this -- [sheepish kiss] a single kiss.

Gringolet: And the second day had similar loot --

Darth Vader: I must be off -- the game's afoot! [exits]

Leia: Come on, Gawain, don't try to flee!

You've only got one prize that's me! [chasing ensues]

Gawain: Lady mine, you're passing fair --

Why, I've seen not your equal anywhere.

But I am young, unwise and feeble --

Shouldn't you see other people? [cornered again]

Leia: Camelot's flower, you struggle in vain!

Let me reward you with kisses twain -- [ibid]

Darth Vader: What ho! What ho! See what I've killed! [holds up animal]

What have you, oh knight so skilled?

Gawain: I tell it true -- [ibid] kisses two!

Gringolet: And the third day just as you suppose --

Darth Vader: Honey! Where's my lederhose?

Never mind, I'll go without.

If you need my help [winks] -- just give a shout.

Leia: [Before Gawain can run away, grabs his cloak and pulls it off]

Ho, ho -- your city wits are sluggish,

Now's the time for my true wish!

Gawain: [Nervously] What wish is that, oh lady sweet?

Gringolet: Why, of course to sweep her off her feet!

Leia: I ask but a token to cherish and keep

under my pillow while my husband and I sleep.

You big city knight from far Camelot

How could you know the boredom we've got?

Nothing but cows and husky football

Jonathan's, Taco Bell -- nothing at all!

Gawain: Your words, sweet lady, punish me sore;

I had no idea it was like this in Storrs.

But I regret I have no token to give --

However, I swear as long as I live,

To sing the praises of Leia fair,

To spread your fame and beauty everywhere --

Leia: [Angrily] Not good enough! Or do you jest?

Surely this cannot be your so-called "best"?

I suppose then, you could take a gift from me

Perhaps then you will remember verily.

How about this lovely ring?

Gawain: Ah, well, they always turn my finger green.

Leia: [Picks up a cup] How about a grail for thee?

Gawain: Well, I've uh -- already got one, you see.

Leia: [Exasperated] This girdle of mine, all silk, no poly --

Not only will it keep you always jolly,

But protect you from dismemberment --

Gawain: Ma fay! This gift is heaven-sent [snatches it away, wraps around hand]

Darth Vader: What ho! What ho! I've bagged me this [holds animal aloft]

So dear, did you grant him yet another kiss?

Gawain: [Covering Leia's mouth adroitly] Why yes! Not one not two but three!

Who's won the contest then, tell me.

Darth Vader: [Removing moustache] A ha! You never guessed the truth!

Gawain: C. Darth Vader! Oh, for sooth!

Darth Vader: Come Gawain, now the time has come

To speak of other things

Of hacking, hewing, bloody stumps

of debts you owe to Kings!

[Chuckling evilly, he brandishes axe while Leia looks on in fear; Gawain gingerly puts hand down but flinches when the axe falls; Darth Vader hits him twice]

That's two for flinching gallant knight

And what's that on your sleeve?!

A magic girdle, now is that right?

Why seek you to deceive?

Gawain: [Throws down girdle] Oh wretched man that tries to cheat

When fate and Vader can't be beat.

I hang my head in new-found shame

Surely all will know the name

Of Gawain as naught but coward, nay

I cannot rescind that name today.

Darth Vader: Come, if you but place your limb

upon this stump, I'll gladly trim

Your appendage into something shorter

Come, you must do as you oughta.

Gawain: I-I-I will try to be a real man;

Oh but I don't know if I can -- [struggles to do it]

You'll have to leave without me, horse --

Voice of Obi-Wan: Gawain! You must use the Force!

[All look around for source of this; Gawain closes eyes & puts arm down for blow, Leia watches apprehensively; Darth Vader strikes blow]

Gawain: Ow! [beat] Hey! My hand's still there!

Darth Vader: A test, no more! You've passed it fair.

A difficult journey now is done --

Welcome home! My handsome son!

All: SON!?!?! [Camelot group re-enters to share wondrous news]

Darth Vader: Yes, Gawain, I am your father --

And Morgan Fey is your very own mother

And Leia, not my blushing wife

But your very own sister for life! [He draws their hands together, but they quickly spring away from each other uncomfortably.]

Gawain: Father! Mother! Sister! Gee!

It's more confusing than Malory.

Leia: I feel like I'm falling into a daze.

How do we reckon such strange ways?

Darth Vader: Never fear, it's not that late,

We've plenty more upon our plate --

There's dancing yet to be done;

Of duties here, there is but one.

We must bring closure to this play --

Gawain: Yeah, could we end it sometime today?

Leia: Leave it to me, it's easy to do --

Smile at the people, wave at them too,

Click your heels three times like this, [they do]

And give a great big Broadway kiss. [They do]

All: That's all folks! [Bow]

--FIN--