The Absolutely Fabulous Life
of Saint Margaret
As Told by Marie de Brooklyn
CAST
Saint Margaret
Patsy, Her Friend
Olibrius, Her Thwarted Suitor
Executioner, Olibrius' Employee
Belial, A Demon
Satan, A Devil
The Dragon
An Angel of Heaven
Loki
Margaret and Patsy seated on the edge of the stage with glasses, wine.
Marie: [Rachel, feel free to adapt this in any way to fit more closely to true Brooklynese] Listen up and hear the tale of the life and passion of Saint Margaret of Antioch, well not quite Antioch but in the general region, maybe about five miles or so away, you know, near the crossroads where the pilgrims used to come to offer sacrifices to the idols... [Margaret coughs] well anyway, near Antioch. It happened one day that the blessed virgin saint and her bosom friend Patsy were contemplating the wonders of the Lord in an appropriately pastoral setting.....
Patsy: More meditational supplement, Maggie? [offering to pour more wine (perhaps she carries the bottle throughout the rest of the play?)]
Marg: No, Pats, I've got to keep a clear head. I had a vision this morning that something very important is going to happen today.
Marie: No kidding, for even as they spoke the mighty governor Olibrius approached with his band of followers -
Enter Olibrius and Executioner miming horses.
Band of followers, eh? Well, even the Roman Empire faced budget cuts. As they headed to the capital to make their offerings to the gods, Olibrius the Mighty caught sight of the maiden Margaret and was struck by her exceeding beauty and the arrow of Cupid.
Olibrius: [a l< Jerry Lewis] Hello nurse! Hey, nice virgin LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADY!
Patsy and Margaret exchange glances of icy revulsion.
Marg: Are you addressing me?
Olib: I don't see any one else around here. Oh Lady, Virgin Lady -- you are a virgin, aren't you?
Marg: The last I checked, YES. What do you want?
Olib: Want!? Since the moment I saw you, in Love I am, oh yes. Marry me and be my own sweet lovely bride, say yes, oh please, nice lady.
Patsy: Do we have to put up with this? Can't we call someone? An exterminator?
Olib: What's that on you head, Big Hair Laaaaaaaaaaaaady?
Patsy: It's the Beehive of Temptation. I had it done in Antioch.
Olib: It's very nice......O Virgin Lady, I'm not getting any younger. Will you marry me?
Marg: [Laughs haughtily] Hardly. I am saving myself for the celestial wedding with my Saviour who will be my ONLY bridegroom. I'm not about to accept any common laggard who happens to be entranced by my rather considerable beauty.
Olib: Common! I AM a Governor of this District.
Patsy: Hit the road, guv. You're not wanted here. C'mon Maggie, let's go have lunch [they move as if to go off].
Olibrius: Okay, I was NICE but now I'm NOT. [To Executioner] Seize her!! I have ways of amking you change your mind! To Antioch we shall go!
Marie: Antioch -- didn't I tell you. So off they rode [go around then up on stage] to the great city of Antioch, where the cruel Olibrius tormented the blessed saint with a heinous assortment of terrible tortures -
Marg: I don't care how many episodes of "Barney" you force me to watch, I won't marry you.
Patsy: Actually, we're enjoying it. "I love you, you love me -- " [Mag joins her singing]
Olib: Aaaargh!! Enough with the singing already. [Pause] I have other means as well.
Marg: What are you going to do? Force us to take Freshman English again?
Olib: [Taken aback -- turns to the Executioner] Cancel the Ways of Reading. Well, I have still more stringent methods that will soon make you change your mind [pulls out the whip and begins to hit toward them].
Pats: Ow ow wasps wasps!!
Marg: Come Pats, let's pray for strength to endure this suffering; [chanting together] Virgines sumus et melior quam tu sumus.
Marie: Go, Maggie! Sing it like a virgin!
Olib: That won't help you because I'm not listening to you lalalalalalalalalalala....[etc]
Marg/Pats: Remember Eugenia!! Omnes dii gentium demonia; dominus autem celos fecit.
Olib: Ow, ow. I got a charleyhorse in my wrist.
Marg: Oh thank you Lord!!
Patsy: You tell him Maggie!!
Olib: Coincidence! [They laugh at him] That's it! I'm getting very irritated now, nice ladies. Marry me, or else.
Marg: Never!
Olib: Okay then, I've got to throw you in the swarthy jailhouse. Sit in the darkness and contemplate a while. Then you'll marry me!! [Executioner shoos them off the stage into the "jail".]
Marie: And so the blessed virgins were confined in a miserably dark cell, to await the whim of their tormentor. They suffered most horribly.
Patsy: I guess we're not going to go have lunch today.
Marg: Shh. I must pray. Oh Lord, we beseech thee, show us the demon it is who truly terroizes us and tests our faith. Let us see him!
A roar of terribly fury precedes the entrance of the Dragon. Marg and Patsy cower away from his advance at first, then are surprised by the entrance of the next character, as is the Dragon.
Loki: [Throwing confetti as she enters from the rear of the audience runs around, then back off stage] I'm Loki! Whoo hoo! I'm Loki!
Marg: [Taking advantage of the distraction - makes the sign of the cross] A curse upon you demon!
Dragon: Ow ow ow. Stop with the hurting, nice saintly laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaady!!
Marg: So, you are the foul demon sent to tempt me with earthly pleasures?!
Dragon: Um, well, actually, no, I just like to wear this dragon costume. I do children's parties....
Marg: Get out!!
Dragon: I can make balloon animals...
Patsy: OUT!!
Dragon: Maybe a nice dachshund??
Marg/Pats: GET OUT!!!
Dragon: [Leaving] Or a little hat?
Belial: AHA!! I AM that demon who seeks to torture you, Margaret. Tremble before my fearsome powers!! [Menaces her.]
Patsy: I've have had just about enough of this!
Marg: Sweetie Darling, just let me pray a little bit here. [Thinks for a minute] Veni sancte spiritus, spiritus domini, give me the power of the late Bruce Lee! HIYA! [Karate chops toward Belial, who is surprised and unsettled by the turn of events.]
Belial: Hey, watch it. You could hurt somebody.
Marg grabs his arm and twists it behind him.
Marg: Okay demon, tell me your name and your methods, or you'll get more of this.
Belial: Ow ow stop it, okay okay. My name is no other than Belial, demon extraordinaire, why none but Beelzebub himself brings in more lost souls than I.
Patsy: What is this? A Hello magazine interview?
Marg: Yeah [twists his arm then releases it], tell us your methods foul demon.
Belial: [Rubbing his arm] All right, I will. You see, [sing-songy] on each day it must happen, a victim must be found // I've got a little list, I've got a little list // of useless do-gooders who might be all around // and who never would be missed, they never would be missed // There's the fundamental preachers who get caught without their pants // all people who sit down and say "I simply will not dance" // And students who are fast asleep or yawning in the back // All television programs that insist upon laugh tracks // and every anchor person who used the term "dissed" // they'd none of them be missed, they'd none of them be missed.
ALL: He's got 'em on the list, he's got 'em on the list; and they'll none of them be missed, they'll none of them be missed.
Belial: Shall I go on? "To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock..."
Marg: No, that will be QUITE enough. I shall have to call on the power of the almighty lord to have you bound forever in a tight little knot and bounced back into the deepest pit of hell. Via iustorum recta facta est...
Belial: No, please, please, dear good saintly lady. Don't send me back to hell! I'm not really that good of, um, bad of a demon, in fact I'd really rather be nice.
Marg: Is this on the level?
Patsy: Don't trust him Maggie! He's got shifty eyes.
Belial: I don't really like being a demon. The hours are long and there's SO much paperwork. Everything in triplicate! Stamps on every page!
Satan: [Entering from backstage] I heard that!!
Belial: Oh no! The Big Boss!
Satan's next speech is interrupted by the appearance of Loki, running through again from backstage to the rear of the audience, saying "I'm Loki" etc. again.
Patsy: [Puff puff] I think this may be a running joke, Maggie.
Satan: So, little Belial, you dare to abandon your duty?
Belial: This wonderful woman has showed me the error of my evil ways.
Satan: You've been watching those Michael Landon Christmas specials again, haven't you?
Marg: He has joined the forces of our most blessed lord. Get thee hence Satan!
Satan: You realise this is breach of contract, don't you. I'll sue!
Belial: You'll sue me?!
Satan: I'll go you one better -- YOU'RE FIRED!! Clean out your desk and punch out.
Belial: I've been fired.
Marg: Never mind that, you can have a job with us.
Belial: I'm very good with children.
Marg: And you [turning to Satan] hit the road, horned one. We won't let you join in our reindeer games [Patsy and Belial join her singing] "Angels we have heard on high, sweetly singing o'er the plains...."
Satan: Well, gotta go, places to go, people to see -- [exits while M/P/B laugh together]
Marie: Behold, you all, a genuine miracle, that is. But the trials of the beloved saint were far from over, for immediately afterward.....
Olib: [To Executioner] Go yonder and bring forth the lady Margaret to me. [They all come up on stage now] How did you like my pestilential prison?
Patsy: [Brushing herself off with distaste] That is the foulest excuse for a penal institution I've ever seen.
Olib: [Double-take] A WHAT?!
Patsy: A PENAL institution.
Olib: [Waving to audience] Good-night everybody!
Marg: A PRISON, you Antiochan idiot. How DID you become a governor?
Olib: I was a political appointee. But never mind all that. Will you marry me now?
Marg: NEVER!!
Olib: Then you shall die. Prepare for the execution!! [During the next few lines Olib and Exec should mime getting the execution ready, as if trying to decide which way the head will fall and various other technical kinds of problems]
Pats/Bel: No, not that!! Anything but that!
Marg: Fear not, everything's under control. Let us pray for guidance -- "Ic for cristes lufe forlFt eow ealle and middan-eardlice lustas swa swa meox forseah....
Marie: And lo, yet another miracle occurred that day, for an angel of the lord descended from the holy heavens -
Angel: [Betsy, think Bubble] O Margaret, most beloved virgin of god!
Marg: Over here!
Angel: I bring a message of hope from the lord.
Belial: A blessing, a blessing from the lord. God be praised!
Patsy: And not a moment too soon.
Angel: Margaret, you are most blessed among women, the purest virgin most beloved to our lord. He sends me to assure you that a place has been arranged for you in the holiest of holies, a queen among the heavens.
Marg: Thank you so much -- I knew he wouldn't let me down!
Angel: You need only take your martyr's crown to ascend to heaven and the celestial bridegroom.
Marg: Martyr's crown?
Patsy: Martyr's crown!
Belial: [Making slicing motion across throat] Martyr's crown.
Marg: I see. So. I have to go through with this beheading thing?
Angel: I'm afraid so.
Patsy: [Angrily] You may dress like an angel, but the resemblence ends there!
Angel: I'm sorry but its the only way. We're still a new church and we need a strong infrastructure of martyrs to build up the foundation. You understand. If there WERE any other way...
Marg: I see.
Angel: If it's any comfort, you won't feel any pain.
Marg: [Obviously relieved] Not that I was worried about it, but well, if that's the way it's got to be, I must do my duty. Be good, Patsy, when I am gone, follow in my example.
Patsy: Cheers, yeah, thanks a lot.
Marg: And Belial, you're on the right track now. Let my example....be... an, um, example to you.
Belial: O lady Margaret, you're my hope and my inspiration, you're all I've got to get me by...
Marg: Goodbye all, I will miss you, but I will await your arrival in heaven.
Final Loki trip -- this time running up on stage "I'm Loki!!" etc. stopping in front of the cast to say "I want to be a dentist." After a pause, they all attack Loki, who runs off never to be seen again -- ANGEL follows.
Lead me to the wretched place, I will tarry no longer.
Olib: Chop it off -- chop it alllllll off [cf. "Make them alllllllll wet" - Serial Mom]
Exec: [Makes as if to do so, then halts] I cannot!! I have seen the miracles of this blessed woman and I now too believe. I will not kill you, Saint Margaret. [Olib expresses his anger at this.]
Marg: Well, that's very kind of you, sweetie darling, but you see, I DO have to be martyred and so you DO have to cut my head off, or I won't GET to be a bloody SAINT.
Exec: I can't. You see, we've never really had to behead anyone before, the officeof executioner has been pretty much a honorary office, with primarily ceremonial duties. I don't think I'd know how to go about cutting off a head...
Patsy: Then how DID you get this job?
Ex/Olib: Political appointee.
Marg: Right then. I'll just have to do it myself. [Snatches axe]
Patsy: [Trying to stop her] But, but, who will I have lunch with?!
Marg: I commend my soul to heaven. [Hacks and hews, with generally grandiose and spastic death throes, dies -- all stare silently at her for a moment.]
Marie: [Jumping up] And so the great saint was martyred.
Patsy: [To Belial] Would you have lunch with me?
Belial: I would be honored.
Exec: May I join you? It's been a long day. [They go off]
Olib: [To Margaret] Sorry, I'm sorry, really, I was thinking...[etc]
Marie: And so ends the story of the Absolutely Fabulous Life of Saint Margaret who if she were still alive would no doubt wish you what you would wish yourselves -- a happy Christmas, a merry Hannukah, a bountiful Kwanzaa and a perfect Solstice. And I, Marie de Brooklyn, swear by the full moon tonight, that every word you heard tonight is true -- and if you believe that, well, I've got this bridge you might be interested in -- GOOD NIGHT!!
- fin -