SIR THOPAS,
M.A.
by
Geooffey
Chaucer
Cast of Characters:
SIR THOPAS
HIS HORSE
THE ELF-QUEEN
HERMIE (ELF-QUEEN'S BROTHER)
SIRE OLIFAUNT (HEAD ONE AND HEAD TWO OF THREE -
THREE BEING FAKE)
THE CHEESE
ST. THOMAS
HORSE: Heere
bigynneth the fair Tale of Sir Thopas // a tale of myrthe and a tale of solas
// whiche I wol telle with Goddes grace if I kan // but alas! mine auctor is
swiche a burel man // vouchsafe to me if yow list it well // a moderne idiom
would help to tell // thise frenche wordes hat me yvele apayd // so parde, if I
this in englysshe sayd // (it's bad enough this play's in verse // Middle
English only makes it worse). // So to begin again, this is the Tale of Thopas
// a tale of mirth and a tale of solace. // My master is a gentleman, a doughty
swain // and I, his noble steed, tell this plain // his face is white as
pumpernickel is black // his features certainly nothing lack; // his very lips
are red as a rose // and I've heard it said, he has a seemly nose.
THOPAS: But why
stop there, O horsey mine? // When it comes to clothes there's none so fine. //
My robes are made from nought but silks and feathers // and my shoes made only
from Corinthian leather! // My beard's trimmed weekly by a barber well-known //
and my sideburns make all the maidens moan // all in all I am a fetching lad //
who can hunt and hawk and wrestle like mad // I can wield my sword against any
foe // and I have a brief scene on in "90210".
HORSE: Namoore
of this idleness please I pray // we want to finish this story today.
THOPAS: Spoilsport!
HORSE: Name-dropper!
THOPAS: Well, so it
befell me upon such a day // in truth, as I to you tell it may // that I rode
forth then upon my trusty steed // with a lance and a long sword such as I
might need // for "diverse adventures" as was my wont --
HORSE: If
you're tempted to believe this - DON'T!
THOPAS: AS I WAS
SAYING I sallied
forth anon // the forest seemed to go on and on // and tiring of my ride
through the soft green grass // I stopped awhile to rest my --
HORSE: --
Gallant steed!
THOPAS:
That
doesn't rhyme.
HORSE: Well,
don't blame me - I didn't write it --
THOPAS: FINE! [harrumph!] As I lay snoozing on that
summery day // listening to the sparhauk and the papejay // breathing in the
spring herbs great and small // into a dream I felt myself fall // and my soul
filled with sudden love-longing // as if in my heart there were a loud gonging
// for at once there appeared to my wondering eyes // a vision, a loveliness, a
womanly guise! // The fair elfen queen, she made my heart race // no one would
suit me but her to embrace // the elf-queen has my heart quite enthralled //
her beauty has my senses mauled // to win her love, I must succeed // no other
lover do I need.
HORSE: The
elfen queen's a beauty, true // but sure means trouble for me and you.
THOPAS: Why sayst
thou this, oh Benedict? // Why must thee scorn and interdict?
HORSE: The
queen is easy on the eye // but beauty often darkens skies. // Remember Helen
and her thousand ships // and warriors who cashed in their chips // a gorgeous
doll is trouble sure // and leaves men broken, crushed and poor.
THOPAS: Enough you
hack, it's my
neck here // I'll bet we'll all be drinking beer // and shouting praise of
Thopas brave // and not his horse - that seemly knave // the elfen queen will
grant me her love // if there is any grace at all above.
[They
approach her.]
Oh
elfen queen, oh great delight // I honor you above all others tonight // tell
me true how to win your praise // and I will you above heaven raise!
QUEEN: Good
gentle knight, you speak with charm // and your seemly nose my fears disarm //
I'd never thought of mortal love // foolish it seemed to us above // such
earthly things, but now I think // that temporal swains might make us wink //
and giggle at their earthly farce // but no less than jelly jars // they have
their use, certainly // I need a knight who is manly. // A job I have that's
certain now // you can help, I'll tell you how // if you are manly for the deed
// the reward is destined for this I need.
THOPAS: Manly yes,
I swear it true // what manly deed can I do for you?
QUEEN: Oh
a tale of pain and untold woe // if I tell it, you'll have no strength to go //
if I say the word, oh evil mighty // a frightful word - BUREAUCRACY!
THOPAS: A word to
quell the staunchest squire // a bit more info I'd require --
HORSE: Another
word and I'll depart! // of bureaucrats, I'll have no part!
THOPAS: Bureaucracy
must have its place // to keep you hear I'll hold your trace. // Tell on brave
elf queen. tell your tale // I'd listen through the worst of gales.
QUEEN: It's
good to know you'd brave the weather // I could tell by your Corinthian leather
// that you are worthy of great accord // there is a bonus, I give my word //
if you can help, I grant you this // a boon that to your heart is bliss // get
my brother his financial aid // and I will become your special maid // I will
your head in garlands ring // and elfen song to you I'll sing // and kiss you
till the birds are flown // if you can get my brother's loan.
THOPAS: What task
is this? I'm somewhat thrown? // Am I to get a student loan?
QUEEN: Oh
Thopas brave, need I enquire // what forms of government require // to be
filled out in triplicate // or ask the drawing of your wit // to the last few
cells that function still // and sign at the bottom of the bill? // My brother
will to dental school // pursue his wish to take up tools // and be a doctor of
the tooth // and maketh bucks as is the truth // though bicuspids make me
squirm // his wish in this remains quite firm.
HERMIE: I want to
be a dentist!
THOPAS: Fairy
queen, it's as you wish // I'll bring you money on a dish // I won't quake
before the forms // but win my way into your arms. // Bureaucrats will bow down
to me // when I ride bold into their country.
HERMIE: [To HORSE]
Now open up, this won't hurt a bit.
HORSE: Oh
master mine, let's take this trip // before the nitrous starts to drip --
THOPAS: Farewell my
queen, I'll win your love // like the song of a waxing dove // woos hearts to
murmur of it's plaint // cause weak in battle, I just ain't!
QUEEN: But
one more thing, I beg to tell // it's known by many in this dell // I had a
cheese, sad to relate // I kept it here upon a plate // but lately it has gone
away // though none has claimed it yet to say // where it's gone and what's its
fate // I fear somehow it is too late // but prayed to St. Thomas it to find //
it has been much within my mind // and dreamed it was in a distant hall // a
place I can't quite recall // but saw behind it three great heads // and
thought it might be still said // safe to be and no mistake // and if true and
you can take // it safely home, oh how I'd thank // the one who could so highly
rank // and save my cheese from mishap // I'd kindly thank so a brave chap.
THOPAS: Fear not
dear queen, we'll save the cheese // and do all that can my lady please //
we'll get that loan and further, swear // do more than men most anywhere. // My
trusty steed and I will fight // and bring you back good news tonight!
HORSE: So
blandly calm we're riding forth // to the east and to the north // till at last
we come across // to the wicked sign of the Wilbur Cross // where evils dwell
without restraint // and signs warn of "Wet Paint".
THOPAS: Oh horsey
mine, we have approached // the place where bureaucrats have poached // and
scattered papers far and wide; // Surely here we'll meet with pride // the
bureaucrats who ply with outrage // those who would their rules evade.
HORSE: That
last rhyme gives me little hope // that you with red tape can quickly cope.
THOPAS: Fie on you,
unworthy nag // give me now my little bag // that has the treasures of skills
untold // worth more now than even shining gold // how one can banish red tape
without a word // and turn a bureaucrat into a toord // but what's that sound,
I fear it's too late // a bureaucrat must be my fate --
OLIF: AH
HA! WHO GOES THERE??!!
THOPAS: Thopas I, a
doughty knight // if you challenge me, t'will be a fight!
OLIF: WHAT
WILLST THOU?
THOPAS: N-n-nothing
more than student aid // the paperwork is already laid.
OLIF: SOCIAL
SECURITY NUMBER?
THOPAS: Sirrah!
Pardon, I forgot to ask // surely this won't impede your task // the brother of
the fairie queen // needs loans to meet his scholastic dream.
HEAD1: It
clearly states in line 57 of the form A96/85 on the reverse side that grantee
in the case of in-state grantors must verify by word or by intent that they
have or are the process of obtaining a legitimate and therefore by inference
singular and statuatory social security number without which further
advancement in this endeavor is neither feasible nor advisable at this
juncture.
HEAD2: Likewise
it is advisable at this point in time, if I may prevaricate, that those failing
to comply with said administrative regulations will and henceforth and in
perpetuity be considered dubious qualificants (as descibed in paragraph (a)
substructure (g) of the outlined section JK89035 of the form YL7834 of the
aforementioned rule JSI894736 of the judicial code 896HGAL of the state
legislature ruling of the year 1978 which was interpreted by the state supreme
court as clearly following the guidelines of law 873/KLZ or as the Senator
pointed out quite recently, fully
in line with 9255/NUM of the 1955 Congress. Do I make myself clear?
THOPAS: Clear it's
not, like misted glass // what sense there is, it cannot pass // from truth to
sense in any way // your mumbo-jumbo holds no sway // I must insist on truthful
speech // your arcane mumblings cannot reach // the ears of those who soundness
speak // your arguments to me seem weak! // I wish to get a loan without delay
// a student's keep, no great assay // a dental plan for a student new // this
works for me, now why not you?
HEAD1: A
student loan? You must understand that such a plan undercuts the basic
necessity of any government office restrained to the general plan of aiding
education in any meaningful way since an educated person in and of itself
naturally attacks the meaningful existence of the operating bureaucracy as an
entity within the functioning bureaucracy as a whole due to the incipient
intelligence of educated people as a whole and as a general threat to the
bureaucracy as a whole...
HEAD2: Not
to mention, the real dilemma here that the policy to regard policy as the
responsibility of administrators and administration as the responsibility of
officials, which inherently questions the reliability of officials as
administrators of official administrative capabilities and further the ability
of administrators as directors of official policy, particularly when one
questions the efficiency of allowing administrators to govern policy decisions
of that nature or even to deem officials capapble of the policiy decision that
they are indeed called upon to make, particularly when policy matters overlap
with the responsibility for administrative conflicts or the administration for
responsibilities of policy.
THOPAS: Quickly
horse, I'm feeling feeble // I'm wobbling on my feet just like Weeble // the
bureaucrats have my mind entangled // such insolence my thoughts have wrangled
// can I at last the victory seize // and find the locus of the cheese?
HEAD1: In
the fullness of time...
HEAD2: As
events unfold...
HEAD1: One
may induce change...
HEAD2: With
thoughts untold....
HEAD1: But
management deepens...
HEAD2: As
time goes by...
HEAD1: And
jobs are needed...
HEAD2: By
those who try...
HEAD1: But
salaries huge...
HEAD2: Can
bring disfavor...
HEAD1: And
incompetence...
HEAD2: Has
little savour...
HEAD1: But
bureaucracies...
HEAD2: Like
Chia pets...
HEAD1: Just
grow and grow...
HEAD2: Once
they are wet...
HEAD1: So
Queenies' cheese...
HEAD2: The
truth to tell...
HEAD1: You'll
never find...
HEAD2: We
hid it well! [They throw stones at Sir Thopas, who tries to hide behind his
horse, who tries likewise to hide behind him.]
THOPAS: Fear not, I
will the cheese unearth // and for the queen's love I will be worth // I'll
find the truth behind your lies // and bring your three heads down to size //
my gallant steed, you surely see // stands proudly here, in front of me // for
the cheese, I know, stands strongly true // and now I see he stands behind you!
[Cheese steps out.]
CHEESE: I am
the cheese. [Clears throat.]
I
am the very model of modern Thomas miracle! // I know the famous names of all
the saintly ones satirical, // and memorized the tales of all the noble
creatures lyrical // and cheeses both the wedges and the ones who are more
spherical.
ALL: NAMOORE!!
[Throw rocks at the cheese.]
CHEESE: No
one appreciates art these days.
THOPAS: The cheese
is mine, I swear to it! // help me horse, lay hold of it. [They do.]
OLIF: No
siree, this curd is ours // it feeds our bureaucratic powers! [They grab the
other arm. A pulling match
ensues.]
HORSE: Sir
Thopas, brave, your grip is weak // you haven't been to the gym this week.
THOPAS: Quiet
horse, these words you'll rue // when I've sent you off to become glue.
HEAD1: Keep
your grip on the cheesey wedge...
HEAD2: I
think we're starting to get an edge...
HEAD1: Yank
harder on the count of three...
HEAD2: This
time I think we'll pull him free!
CHEESE: I am
not enjoying this.
THOPAS: We cannot
seem to take the lead // a miracle is what we need!
SAINT: Did
somebody say "miracle"?
ALL: Saint
Thomas!
SAINT: That's
right, I've come from Canterbury // to dispell trouble and all worry // I've
got miracles by the truckload // why I can turn a king into a toad! // So tell
me quick the trouble here // I'm a busy saint, I haven't got all year.
THOPAS: To win the
elf-queen's love I wish // she's a comely lass, a tasty dish // so her cheese I
sought and a student loan // but these jokers here won't let it alone.
HEAD1: We
are only doing our job //
HEAD2: This
thief here tried from us to rob //
HEAD1: Our
property, our mascot true //
HEAD2: We
fought to keep it - wouldn't you?
QUEEN: [Entering
with Hermie] Not true not true, I do declare // the cheese is mine, how do you
dare // to claim that it is yours at all --
OLIF: Possession
is nine-tenths of the law!
SAINT: Namoore,
namoore. I see the plot // though I have to wish that I did not // your trouble
I will set aright // so we can get on with the food tonight // the answer is
simple, why it's perfectly plain // it something that comes up again and again
// the solution will all of you please -- // I simply have to cut the cheese!
ALL: No!
Not that! [They cower.]
CHEESE: I
object.
QUEEN: If
it comes to that, I humbly say // keep the cheese whole, I'll give way.
SAINT: Ah
ha! The answer I 'd hoped to find // a woman with Solomon on her mind // The
cheese is yours, you won it fair // now take it home and keep it there.
QUEEN: Just
one more thing, if I may ask // a little thing, a tiny task --
HERMIE: I want to
be a dentist
QUEEN: My
brother here would like to go // to dental school if he could, but woe! //
financial aid is far too late // could we get a student loan, low rate?
SAINT: So,
the cheese miracle wasn't enough? [Rummages around under robes, finally finds
it.] Okay [to Hermie] sign here, and here, and here, and intial there and
there, and there. All set. [Hermie
takes the form to the giant.]
HERMIE: I want to
be dentist.
OLIF: WE'VE
ALL HEARD IT!! [Hermie goes back to hide behind the Queen.]
SAINT: Well,
gotta go, duty calls. Keep me in
your prayers. [Exits.]
THOPAS: [Bowing to
the Queen.] Wondrous this, oh joy oh rapture // your cheese has been rescued
from capture // if I could only win your love // I'd thank all the saints
above.
QUEEN: Arise
Sir Thopas! I must disclose // I fell long ago for your seemly nose! // Let's
ride from here and quickly wed // and feast on licorice and gingerbread!
THOPAS: Oh yes, oh
yes, let's run away // Horsey here can end the play.
HORSE: Oh
sure, I get to
clean-up AGAIN..... [thinks for a minute.]
"If
we shadows have offended // think but this, and all is mended // that you have
but slumb'red here // While these visions did appear. // And this weak and idle
theme, // No more yielding but a dream..." [Cut off when suffers body blow
from Olifaunt.]
HEAD1: [Grouchy]
Namoore of this Elizabethan tripe // the end is now, the time is ripe!
HEAD2: This
is a medieval play - that's all you need. Now hit the lights and bring on the
mead.
ALL: THE
END!